Like the sweat of lovers laying in the field

It hurts. I don't know what else to say or do.

Why can't I just be satisfied with my misery?

With all the Madness in my Soul

The tension in this house is driving me mad. These people are all ridiculous and have no sense of stability or normalcy. 29 more days and then I'll be rid of it for a good 6 or 7 weeks.

I'm still in love with her...it scares me in a way, but I think it'll be alright. We'll see how it goes.

And I need to sleep. Maybe I'll get some of my sanity back.

CK: Do you know that feeling of when you wake up from a bad dream?
Me: Yeah. I feel it every time I fall asleep.

Agent of Chaos

Last night, I saw the Dark Knight. And it was the best movie I've ever seen. It had philosophy, action, beautiful cinematography, and an actually moving storyline.

A dark hero embraces the tragedy of his role in society.

A white knight attempts to renew a broken city without falling into the corruption around him.

An agent of chaos shows that there are forces that cannot be bought or sold; incorruptible evil.

I won't spoil the movie, but it got me thinking a great deal last night. This concept of incorruptible evil that the Joker represents raises a lot of questions about the nature of evil itself. What IS evil? Can we have true knowledge of evil as finite beings? If so, how? Does evil have an objective condition or is part of its curse the subjectivity? And if we can define evil and have knowledge of it, should we align with it, or oppose it? Can we fight it?

I feel a new project coming on...

Shine A Light

So, our gray area girl decided to end the gray area by saying no chance.

I quite possibly have thrown away my position as Liason that I've been working on for over a year.

I really am just a giant fool.

Torn and Frayed

Well, I haven't written in a while, so I might as well recount the biggest stress center and get them out. Maybe it'll help me.

The "love unrequited" I wrote about last time has been settled and accepted. I found out there's a pretty high level of certainty that my ex cheated on me while she was studying abroad. That did wonders for my self-esteem. So here's where life starts to get complicated. A very good friend of mine, who I've had a crush on since I met her two years ago and never breathed a word about, were drinking late into the night a month ago at a mutual friend's room. We didn't leave until about 3 in the morning, and as I was walking her back to her apartment, I told her how I felt, feeling as though I had nothing left to lose. She responded with a smile and blush, and took my hand. When we got to her place, she invited me in. I honestly thought she just wanted to talk since we were in the middle of a pretty deep conversation before we left the other room. She cleared her couch and we sat together, holding each other close. After a short period of time, she kissed me and I kissed her back. And things went a bit further, but not anything that would be considered sinful or immoral. We had a night of passion and deep conversation intertwined, until I left at 8:30 that morning. After we both got some sleep, we met and discussed this whole mess. We agreed that trying to make a relationship work with the long distance it would require since she's graduating and moving on to grad school, and I'm stuck on the Mountain for two more years would not be a good idea since we don't have the foundation to make it work. "If this were January and not May, we'd be having a very different conversation." That line is going to haunt me for a while.
So, in short, we're in a freaking huge gray area. We aren't dating, but we're more than just friends. And I'm getting close to her. Really close. Talking to her every day close. Letting her into the "home" stuff. She's seeing the scars and wounds that are normally covered to the public eye. I haven't let anyone get this close since the Sorceress, and she's even close to getting the FULL story. *shudders* That night I I'm scared and I'm vulnerable. and I'm seriously falling for this girl. Not just some crush or some passing thing.

So why is the question. Here's a list:
1. She's brilliant. I feel like I don't have to dumb myself down. That doesn't happen with the majority of girls I've liked/dated.
2. She's got moral character. Something lacking in my last two girlfriends...
3. When I kissed her, I was satisfied for the first time in my life. I didn't need more. There was no other longing or sense of being incomplete. That's never happened before.
4. She's one of my best friends. We have similar interests, but very different perspectives on them. I finally want to date somebody because I want to be hang out with them and enjoy time with them, not have it based in sexual tension.

I'm actually falling again. God help us all...

In The Darkness on the Edge of Town

And so I'm in love with a woman who will never love me back or be able to do so.

The love unrequited. The bane of Petrarch; the scorn of Dante.

I sit here and write this with the soberest of spirits and weep in a sorrow so deep and primal.

Damned to suffer, I am, an existence worse than any I could imagine:

To find the one you've been searching for, and know that she will never love you as you do her.

I try to suppress the pain by logic, reason, and sympathy. None of it truly works.

God help me.

Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters

"Don't look so forlorn!"
"You don't have a snowball's chance in Hell."
"She's falling for you. Slowly, but she's coming around."

I honestly can't make sense of this. None of this has any cohesion, no sense of truth or falsehood. I'm not sure which to believe or to even pay the slightest heed. These perspectives are all from people who I honestly think have their heads on straight, or at least somewhat.

The interesting and almost funny thing about this is that anything they have to say is irrelevant. This is whole deal is between myself and the person who the other two quotes are referencing. No one else's opinion on the matter, no matter how comforting or disconcerting, really makes a difference.

So, then why not ask her about this whole mess? That would be the logical approach, after all. She's in love with someone else, so what does it matter? She knows where I stand, and I'm doing my best to lock this all away so that I don't destroy what I already have.

What do I have? I found counterpoint for my soul. I found the first person in two decades to whom I could pour out my entire soul and she took it, even though something tells me she never really wanted it. Maybe its grown on her. There's got to be a reason that she still hangs out with me as much as she does. There has to be a reason that she still has a sincerity in her eyes when she looks at me in a way that makes me think there's something more here. Maybe she's betrayed by her feelings just like I am. God only knows.

We watched Almost Famous last night. It's funny how that movie always reaches down into me no matter at what point in my life I'm at.

Lester Bangs: Aw, man. You made friends with them. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong.
William Miller: Well, it was fun.
Lester Bangs: They make you feel cool. And hey. I met you. You are not cool.
William Miller: I know. Even when I thought I was, I knew I wasn't.
Lester Bangs: That's because we're uncool. And while women will always be a problem for us, most of the great art in the world is about that very same problem. Good-looking people don't have any spine. Their art never lasts. They get the girls, but we're smarter.
William Miller: I can really see that now.
Lester Bangs: Yeah, great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex, and sex disguised as love... and let's face it, you got a big head start.
William Miller: I'm glad you were home.
Lester Bangs: I'm always home. I'm uncool.
William Miller: Me too!
Lester Bangs: The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool.

Here's to finding what we're all looking for.